my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
