I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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