I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
