you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
