There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Randomize
