Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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