Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
