i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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