so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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