She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You ruined the universe
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
