I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
