New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
