Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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