Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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