Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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