i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
