He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
