i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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