Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
