You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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