i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
