I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
