I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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