I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
