Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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