I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
