Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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