That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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