my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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