i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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