She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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