I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
