the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
