mondays should just be called national damage control day
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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