my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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