so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
