Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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