his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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