If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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