We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
