Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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