My friends, they love my intelligence
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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