i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
