Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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