I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
