Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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