From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
