finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
