i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
