woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
