So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
