Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
