Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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