So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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