Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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