it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
