I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
