Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
