shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize