Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize