grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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